I feel the need, after a long absence from writing, to return with an explanation for why I have been away. To simply jump in on topic without any sort of revealing would feel awkward to me – a sort of lie of omission. And since this blog is all about how it feels/looks/sounds to live a life spent seeking first the kingdom of God, I feel an ethical obligation to ‘fess up my reasons for being away.
Transparency, I believe, enables encouragement – both yours, dear readers, and mine.
Not knowing what my readers might know of my story thus far from previous posts, I’ll give a brief recap.
This past December (2012), I reached a four-year milestone along the rather amorphous journey I started 10 years ago to rebuild my life after a painful divorce. Along the way, I quit a 17-year career in travel, moved back in with my parents, tried and rejected a new career in insurance, and then fell in love with Christ.
(I also fell in love of another kind, but more on that in a future post)
When the Lord took me under His wing, it was as if the needle to my internal space/time compass swung true for the first time in my life. After an initial time of great euphoria and discovery, I began to pray for God’s will alone to direct my life. Doors that I thought open to me professionally closed shut tight, others opened, and I found myself enrolling in college. An interest in graphic design quickly changed to the pursuit of an A.S. in computer science (which I obtained in 2010), which in turn morphed, after near-constant prayer, into a B.S. in mathematics and English (obtained in December of 2012). Each time the plan evolved, I went through a period of crisis. Since I tend to tie my identity and self-worth in with my accomplishments (in a way I should not), during the time just after accomplishing a milestone but before God reveals a new direction for me, I panic. While maintaining productivity and appearing to others as my normal, well-functioning self, another story is going on inside. Uncertainty grabs hold of me and I plummet like Peter in the stormy sea when he took his eyes off Jesus. I feel as though I’ve lost all anchors to meaning or significance. I flounder. During such a time, I question every motive I have ever held, and am unable to draw conclusions, and hence am unwilling to write. I spend hours out of each day trying to discern God’s intention for my life before He is ready to reveal it to me.
That is where I have been since January, dear readers: trying to second-guess God.
Believe me, trying to foretell God’s will in order to get a leg up on it is like hitting a soap-bubble with a baseball bat, expecting to get a home run.
I don’t know why I am impatient with God. I feel like I need to know now exactly what the future holds. But the Lord has been generous with His support. He has sent people all along the way to encourage and challenge me, and to exhort me to perform my best. I have listened and responded with enthusiasm, and thus have enjoyed a deep satisfaction with everything I have done. Awards, honors, and achievements grew from many cycles of planting, sowing, and reaping, during which I kept saying to God over and over again: Lord, just let me do Your will. And God is ever faithful. His perfect love allows me to build a supporting body of experience as a Christian that will support me through future periods of doubt and uncertainty.
Finally, though, this most recent fog of uncertainty is lifting, and I am beginning to feel my feet back upon the path. I am feeling less buffeted by the storm, more able to hear the still, small voice telling me to have patience, to trust in the Lord to make my path straight.
I should be making some decisions soon regarding graduate school and job (if not yet regarding an ultimate career – I know, I know, patience) that will occupy me for the next season of growth and training.
I hope this settling of my anxious spirit means that I have returned to this journal with some regularity. Please pray with me, dear readers, that it does.